Impossible Plays

Last week I gave my students an impossible assignment.

It's really one of my favorites.

The assignment is to write a play that would be totally impossible to stage. Something that a director or producer would think, "Is this playwright insane? That's impossible!"

You know, something like what Erik Ehn writes...

(By the way, I don't show them any Kandinsky paintings, but I really like this one so wanted to put it up here).

The purpose is really to go far out there, to stretch the imagination and have fun. And usually the students surprise themselves, as did these. In fact, the work they brought in was the best I've seen them do and was actually the best of the bunch for any time I've given this assignment. They were more theatrical. More imaginative. More intelligent. More fun. More crazy. And just really cool and interesting. They were playful. And isn't that what theater is supposed to be? Right? Don't we call them plays?

The point of the exercise is that really, nothing is unstageable. Even though they brought in things like characters with six arms or fishes talking underwater, we could still find a way of doing it (and not always with millions of $$).

Except...

One of my students actually wrote a stage description that was unstageable. I won't say what it was but it had to do with the number pi, which as everyone knows is infinite and unknowable...

(yeah, right, like I knew that...)

Anyway, I wanted to write one, too (and I had some hours to kill) so I did. The result is below. It's a little out there but still, nothing impossible to stage (though definitely not easy). It's sorta dadaism meets futurism, but well...have fun.


Fish Monkeys Flood the Upside Down World
By Dennis Schebetta


Time: Tomorrow

Place: Anywhere but here

Setting: Someplace large. An airplane hangar would be ideal. An old movie studio even better. There should be enough space for the audience to levitate at least three feet above the playing area.

Characters:

The AUDIENCE Witnesses and participants, though they don’t know it

DIAMOND BEE He is sparkly, dressed half in tuxedo, half in pajamas.

SWINGING LADY She wears a long flowing, silk dress and her face is painted like a china doll.

PURPLE LEGS Everything is purple but his legs, which are invisible: He is only one foot tall.

COW A cow that meows

FISH MONKEY Half fish, half monkey. All mischief.


PRE-SHOW NOTE:

AUDIENCE enters from a foyer with blinding light into a dark room. They are led by a hand that feels wet, plunged into darkness so dark they can’t see their noses, much less be able to tell who leads them. They sit. Soon they will levitate. When all of the audience is levitating in total darkness, then one audience member will sing a Billie Holiday song. They are not told which song. They must figure this out. It may take hours. Only once the song begins does Diamond Bee light a match and start the show.

In darkness, DIAMOND BEE lights a match. The match goes out because of a sudden gust of wind. He repeats this ten times before he shines a flashlight on his face. We may see tears floating up to his forehead. There is a large echo to his voice, like he’s in a cavern.

DIAMOND BEE:
Now. We’re underwater. Now. You. Me. Underwater. The entire world. But the water itself is upside down. Downside up. See it hanging? A mist. Dripping. Hear it?
(The audience hears a chain saw as if its right next to them).
How do you know what’s right side up? Can you trust me?

A balloon filled with light floats above, illuminates SWINGING LADY. She swings, her flowing, silk dress almost touches the ground.

SWINGING LADY
Red.

ENTER PURPLE LEGS.

PURPLE LEGS
Why do lights burn so bright in the darkness?

SWINGING LADY
Green.

PURPLE LEGS
My heart sails towards heaven.

COW ENTERS, walking upside down on ceiling, stops to chew some grass. It scratches its ear with its back leg, then meoooows like a cat. Diamond Bee hovers toward audience with glass of milky liquid.

DIAMOND BEE:
Drink this.
(audience drinks)
Is that lemonade or kool-aid?

He touches them, his wet hand leaves marks.

PURPLE LEGS:
It’s laced with PCP.

COW
LSD.

SWINGING LADY
Purple

PURPLE LEGS
I am not!

PURPLE LEGS dives headfirst into the ground, disappearing as if jumping in water. ENTER FISH MONKEY who climbs a rope sideways across the stage. Diamond Bee slaps him. Fish Monkey shrieks, falls and does a perfect flip landing on his toes. He runs around, then flies, disappears into thin air.

DIAMOND BEE
Fish Monkey can’t swim.

PURPLE LEGS runs back in with a fish bowl filled with bright neon pink water. Inside the bowl, FISH MONKEY swims. Swinging Lady drops fish food down. The fish food is shaped like tiny bananas.

FISH MONKEY
Stop. I want to die. Now. No, stop. Yes. I want to--

SWINGING LADY
Pink

FISH MONKEY
I want to live

PURPLE LEGS
There’s no reason for

SWINGING LADY
Red

PURPLE LEGS
There’s no reason for

FISH MONKEY
No, I want to

SWINGING LADY
Orange

PURPLE LEGS
There’s no reason for

DIAMOND BEE
Dying

PURPLE LEGS
Like we do.

DIAMOND BEE
If I were a cactus in an apple, how would I be cored?

SWINGING LADY
Plaid.
(They all look up at her.)
Bingo!

She falls backwards in slow motion, lands flat on her back. Audience hears CRACKING of her neck breaking.

FISH MONKEY
There are people here. Now. People.

Purple Legs gives Diamond Bee the bowl.

PURPLE LEGS
I’m scared of sharks.

DIAMOND BEE
(Looking at audience)
Tell them to die.

FISH MONKEY
They’re not even alive.

PURPLE LEGS
Call this living? You. Living. This you call?

Diamond Bee looks at the bowl. Fish Monkey has become a shark. Diamond Bee becomes a Fish Monkey, drops the bowl and flops around on the ground like a fish out of water. We hear Swinging Lady’s voice. The audience might feel like someone is whispering it into the left ear then the right.

SWINGING LADY (FROM THE GRAVE)
Black.

PURPLE LEGS
Is there a

SWINGING LADY (FROM THE GRAVE)
Blue

PURPLE LEGS
Is there a

DIAMOND BEE
I need a doctor.

PURPLE LEGS
Fish monkey in the house?

FISH MONKEY
I want to die. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.

PURPLE LEGS
Death has no answers.

SWINGING LADY
Shorter colors seem long

The sun appears—it is massive and so bright the audience can barely look at it. Sunglasses will instantly appear on their faces. The sun stops by the cow that keeps eating grass. The Moon appears. The Sun and Moon kiss. Then fade. The cow burps.

FISH MONKEY
Where are dreams dreaming in the night sky so blue in the ocean?

Stars appear twinkling on the ground.

PURPLE LEGS
Careful each step.

FISH MONKEY
Each fish monkey is a dream. Each dream is a star. Each star is a fish monkey

COW
Let’s eat the fish monkeys.

PURPLE LEGS
But they

SWINGING LADY (FROM THE GRAVE)
Brown.

PURPLE LEGS
But they

COW
Tasty

PURPLE LEGS
But they will poison us

Fish Monkey turns into a mist and floats away.

SWINGING LADY (FROM THE GRAVE)
White

PURPLE LEGS
Where are you going?

DIAMOND BEE
Hold me. Now. Hold. Me. Now.

Purple Legs kicks Diamond Bee who bounces up. They both pull swords that reach the ceiling. There is a fight. It ends badly. Blood pours up from the ground, bubbles over and trickles upwards. There is the smell of charred flesh that drifts. Clouds appear above, then lightning flashes. It rains.

PURPLE LEGS
Damn those fish monkeys.

FISH MONKEY
KILL ME!

The stars twinkle below as water floods the stage. It rises and rises. Purple Legs pulls out an umbrella. Right before the water gets to his mouth, he says:

PURPLE LEGS
Do you really trust that person you came in with?

The water envelopes him. The audience has a choice; continue to levitate or drown. They are plunged in blackness again and feel a cold, wet hand.

End of play.